Life's Ups and Downs

My biggest scares and emotional moments are those dealing with family.  Up until a week ago I would say the biggest scare in my life was when Alex was life flighted to a hospital after chocking on a carrot when he was a toddler.  No, I had not given him the carrot as the doctor had so arrogantly scolded us of doing.  He was fine but had a little piece of carrot caught in his lung that had to come out and they couldn't do that surgery at the hospital we were at.  I had to sign a release saying that if he died on the way to the hospital I would not hold the paramedics responsible.  Watching as they flew off with my only baby who was very upset to be leaving mama with strangers was very upsetting.  The drive to the hospital 2 1/2 hours a way was very emotional.

A few weeks ago, I had an early ultrasound.  They could not find the baby.  They did blood tests and told me the negative possibilities and we waited a couple weeks for another ultrasound.  When the technician began the ultrasound she put it right on baby.  The heart was beating away and once again I cried.  There was our baby totally healthy and heart beating beautifully.  Apparently the first ultrasound was to early and the baby was hiding.  I can't tell you the relief I felt watching our new little one move and just be there, fearfully and wonderfully made.

Then a few days after the ultrasound my oldest son packed up his car for college and drove off with his daddy.  Not a dry eye was in the house.  Ohhhh, how my heart broke.  I was scared to see him going off into the unknown so very far away and I was quite emotional.  But, I am thankful for God's hand in this and His protection over Alex and David as they made it there safely.  Things are not the same here but I am thankful for the experience that is ahead for Alex.

Last Friday tops the summer and as far as I can say at this time my life, for one of the scariest and most emotional events.  I had woke up, got dressed and began breakfast.  Normally I can hear Isabella chatting away in her crib and I go get her.  It was silent so I went in and she was lying there tired but awake.  She had thrown up in the night and looked sickly.  I picked her up, cleaned up the mess, rocked her for a while, and tried to get her breakfast.  She refused to eat or drink and was just not herself.  I held her as we did Bible and prayer and the girls began their morning routine.  Isabella wasn't sure what she wanted, but mainly she wanted me to hold her.  So, I did.  Then she got this scared look in her eyes and drool began to run out the side of her mouth.  I thought she was going to throw up so I grabbed her blanket and encouraged her to let it out.  She threw up a little and then started arching her back and her eyes began to gloss over and go to the side of her head.  I was unsure what to do.  I called for Latisha to grab the keys and take us to the hospital.  Then she began to go quite stiff and more drool  began to come out.  I grabbed the phone and started calling 911.  I wish I could say how I had my trust in God and I handled everything in control and with faith, but I didn't.  I began to panic and fear gripped me as never before.

The 911 operator talked me through everything as Isabella had a very long seizure.  I laid her on the bed and she would jerk and and seize and there was nothing I could do.  I couldn't tell if she was breathing and finally I cried out to God in desperation.  I was unsure how she could survive this.  I begged the operator to tell me how far the medics were and she kept reassuring me they would be here soon.  Isabella became still and looked lifeless and I heard the sirens.  The EMT's came in and immediately she rolled over and threw up.  I started to go numb.  They worked on her and took the two of us to the hospital.  Before we left the house they had to begin the IV and I thought for sure that she would scream and be very upset.  But she was totally in a different place mentally and didn't respond to there pokes.

The sirens came on again and we headed for what seemed a very long drive to the hospital.  I sat in the front seat not knowing what was going on behind me.  It was quiet and a solemn stillness settled over me and I was now at a loss.  I tried to pray but couldn't seem to find the words.  "Oh, God please help her and don't let her die," was all I could say.  I was so disappointed in myself.

Once at the hospital the paramedics talked to the nurse and I tried to get Isabella's attention.  She kept her eyes to the right and was all glossy looking and non responsive to anything.  They laid her on the hospital bed, hooked her up to the monitors, and took her blood and other test.  She didn't move or acknowledge anyone.  A bit later she began to seize again.  I screamed "she is doing it again,"  and the nurse and doctor ran to her put some medicine in her IV and monitored her but that was it.  They were almost as helpless as I was.  I called David, who was still at the college with our son 1500 miles away, and cried "she is having another seizure."  He too was totally helpless.  But he told me how he had called several people and they were all praying.  This was no surprise to God.  And although I was struggling to pray there were other wonderful friends and family who were in prayer on our behalf.   I could hear my cell phone ringing but I ignored it.   I was alone in the hospital hovering over my little baby as she lay there motionless, eyes still unresponsive and I wondered if this was it.  My sister walked in and I wrapped my arms around her and sobbed.  We went to Isabella and I continued rubbing her head and humming "Jesus Loves Me" and our "Hallelujah" song over her.  She did well as I hummed and rubbed and soon started regaining consciousness.  Now she was very discontent.  But still couldn't move much.  The doctor said that was good that she was angry and they transported us to the larger hospital down town.

At the other hospital she slept off and on and then woke very upset.  I tried to hold her but she was very angry with the wires attached to her and waved her wrapped up arm with the IV in it, as if to say take this off.  We couldn't give her anything to eat and it was obvious she wanted something.  At 4:30 they sedated her and she had a MRI.  It had been such a long day and once she was able to get some food she was a bit better.  By now I was surrounded with family, a friend and our pastor.  By night time I was exhausted physically and emotionally.  My cell phone had died and others were keeping David updated.  The night was very long for both Isabella and myself.  She had not gained her balance and was unable to walk.  She would roll over and pull one of her wires and the monitors would go off.  Eventually around 4:00 am she had enough and we went for a walk.  I put her in a wagon and pulled her and her IV around the floor.  As we walked through the pediatric floor I could hear other little miserable children crying.  Probably as angry at their tubes and monitors as Isabella was.  An hour later I had to go back to the room and thankfully she settled down and we got another hour of sleep.

The next morning Isabella was heart breaking to watch.  She tried to get out of her bed and walk around.  She was totally unable.  I would hold her hand and try to help her.  She would shake loose and promptly fall on her face.  I finally put her on my shoulders and we walked some more.  My mom arrived and noticed my exhaustion.  She took the Isabella and I laid down.  I couldn't sleep, I just lay there helpless and full of emotions.  Isabella had an EEG while I lay there useless and came back to me with very messed up hair.

Later in the afternoon we received the result.  Her EEG was fine.  The MRI showed a cloud on her brain.  They said this indicated a lack of oxygen either during the pregnancy or birth.  This would make her more likely to have a seizure and would explain her developmental delays.  So, what does that mean for her future.  They have no idea.  She may or may not ever have another seizure.  She may or may not ever catch up.  This could be the symptoms of other big name issues.  Only time will tell.  For now they want her in several different therapies and on medicine to prevent another seizure.  Not a real comforting diagnosis.  But God knows.  God knows all and sees all and is in control.  We may not know what the future holds but my God does.

The last week has shown much progress.  Isabella is back to herself and even making progress.  She has been very happy and loving.  Meanwhile I have been having moments of flash backs, sorting things in my brain, and emotional swings.  I'm so glad Isabella seems totally unaffected by this trauma.  She probably remembers very little.  One thing I know for sure is God is in control and He is working all things for good.  "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."   Romans 8:28.

I am so thankful to my sister, mom, dad, in laws and the friends that stopped by.  So many people were praying and I am so grateful and believe Isabella is doing so well because of their prayers.  When we got home many dear friends brought us food.  We were so blessed.  It was just one less thing to worry about.  David got home on Monday and things are well now.  God is faithful and good.   I can't imagine going through all this without God.  I am also thankful that in the big scope of things this is small.  As we left the hospital the child next door was fussing.  It had been there before we came and was staying after we left.  My heart goes out to these children and parents.    "What a Day That Will Be" is a song that keeps going through my head and I look forward to that day "when my Jesus I shall see, for there will be no sorrow there, no more burdens to bear, no more sickness, no pain, no more parting over there, and forever we will be with the one who died for me.  What a day a glorious day that will be."  May the God of Peace be with you.  God bless.